Luck has never been on my side.
Fairy god mother forgot about me.
No sunshine nor rainbows
No great promises.
No hugs and comfort
Only tears and heartache.
All along, im only a fool with great imagination talent.
Everything that i dreamt of, was only my fantasy.
You’re the apple of my eyes.
My smile and everything was for you alone.
Yet i was only another gurl in your world.
Just when i thought I saw ray of hopes and love from you,
When i thought i could hold you for real,
You slap me back to reality, painfully.
Im noone but another fool in your’s and everyone’s eyes.
You’re all that i ever dream of.

Your every word acts like a double edge sword.
Please mean every word you said.
Tell me if you’re for real.
Go away if you dont mean anything you said.
Im afraid i cant take any blows from you.
Hold me close if you really love me.
Mend my broken heart.
Quit thinking what might happen next for us
Be selfish with your love for me, for once.
Just love me with all that you’ve.
Im not scared of anything coming our way
Because i only fear to be without you.

Because they will never understand how much i really, really love you.
Its you, that im falling for.

你的渴望 对我是很难
太多人比我强 也承认我平凡
我已经拼命追赶
你的眼神 请别那么冷淡
就算再付出 我都撑得住
我不怕辛苦 苦到什么地步
只要你满足
虽然你是我的一切
也别让我感觉 爱你很可悲
从来听不见你一句赞美
从来听不见你一句安慰
就算我作的都白费
至少自尊让我保留一点

我不愿放弃却要故意默默允许,
我答应自己爱你的心绝口不提.
总是以为终究化作云淡风轻.
爱你到底, 痛了自己~

Wednesday ; my love hate day.

Current status : Violent mood swings.

For the past few days, my emotions was sitting on the fence. I cant describe how much i felt inside. Its simply too messed up to even sort them out. I wonder if everything that’s happening are real.. Because i cant seems to grasp anything from your words and thoughts. Someone pinch me please. 

Currently having design lesson. Damn im learning nuts in class. WTH.

I guess i ought to take up some lesson on how to manage my thoughts and emotions.

Just fuck the whole damn thing.

Just another saturday. I turned down LF’s offer to a yummylicious Jap dinner and D’s offer to dinner and slacking session. Yet one simple message and it kills all the joy.

Told you its only another dream.

Im only worth your 5cent, no more than that.

**********

My friend, LJJ, wants me to tell the whole world that he’s a horrible chap!

PICTURES TIME!

Despite the recent issues between the 2 EVM classes, im still going ahead to upload photos that Lawson took on Monday. Of course he took alot more, but im only choosing those to my preference. haha. Many thanks to Lawson for all the lovely candid shots! And now you will know why the whole time i gave a retard constipated smile.

Yes, i look very unglam with small swollen eyes. But who cares.

Special credit : She’s Edeline, who never fails to make me laugh so hard till my stomach cramp. LOL.

Saturday night - KTV session with my 3 primary school friends! ZC, Des and Old Man. Super nice fellows lah.

Love loads.

Thank you my dear. You have once again, make me feel like the dumbest gurl ever. Okay, im just so silly to even think about it. Perhaps you would like to tell me what’s on your mind instead. I dont like guessing games. Im really really tired.

**********

Dear FRIEND, despite the recent ongoing happenings.. i clearly know where my heart stands. Yes, im feeling tired lost and confused. But certain feelings and thoughts wont change. Im sorry. But i only want to be your friend. Lets not make things worse alright? Im telling you here because i know you will be reading this. We’ll always be friends, no more than that.  

Damn. Im now freaking tired.

Saturday - Mummy says shopping more important, so no lunch for me. So we went IKEA to browse around. Left early for cell group while they continued shopping at Causeway point. CG was ZZZ. ZC came to pick me up (thanks thanks) and we headed to ECP, randomly. Coffeebean and chit chat the whole time before we met up with the Des and Old man for ktv. Laughed, screamed, singed, camwhore and cried there. Then ZC sent me home. Love rides on bike man. lols. Prepared my lesson and KO at 4am.

Oh I realised i dint had any proper meals on saturday. Good good. lols.

Sunday - Dragged myself out of bed after 3 hours of pathetic sleep. FAINTS. My eyes had a hard time fighting against gravity. Goodness. Stayed back to do abit of decoration for JL’s coming wedding on saturday. Also another tough one. By when i board the bus, i just fell asleep on the seat. Super unglam. And im so so tired to even open my mouth to eat anything.

Monday - Stomach cramp was bad. Had Mac alone before school. Was at Kallang PA site for the whole day with my classmates and course mates. Tired, chit chat, read, cam whoring and day dream. The whole time, i gave a stupid constipated smile when taking pictures except for the group photo. You will know why when i upload the pictures. heh. Ohh.. my class walked away with the 3rd and 1st prize for the NDP CC presentation! So so happy for them lah. IEH WON! *million dollar smile*

Anyway, im glad to be able to spent time with ZC, Old Man and Des. Like we havent met up for some donkey years man. I cant believe they sang along throughout the ktv session! haha. They’re really nice souls lah. Des was so gentle can? If only i didnt carry a torch for anyone now, i might have fall for him man. Opps. haha. Friends uh.

God smiled on me again!

I cried because it reminds me of you. Then i realised that i miss you alot. OH how great.

Im confused because i think im reading too much into it. God just have to give me a brain that is super good with imagination. I had enough. I dont want another nightmare.

Okay, i think im in desperate help for Adobe illustrator.

Tagged by JiaHui, to do the following test.

1. What’s your name?
PPS or Candy gurl - Whichever you prefer. Bleah~
2. What does your friends call you?
Different friends got different nicks for me.
3. What time is it now?
1208pm
4. If you could change your eye colour, what would it be?
Grey?
5. How many pillows on your bed?
One.
6. Who was the last text message you sent to?
ZC.
7. What colour is your shirt right now?
Dirty green.
8. Who’s the fourth person on your contact list?
Ah Boy.
9. When was the last time you cried?
Wednesday.
10. What school are you in?
ITE College Central, Bishan Campus.
11. Do you have a crush?
I dont crush people.
12. Who was the last person that made you laugh?
Not you, of course.
13. How long is your hair?
Try pulling it yourself.
14. What was the longest time you slept?
More than 24hours.
15. Have you seen your bestfriend cry?
Yes.
16. What thing you cant stand?
My mood swings.
17. What you wanna do now?
Bath? The weather is freaking hot.
18. Would you sleep at friend’s house or have them over?
Sleep at their place and overturn it!
19. When was the last time you scolded someone?
Like few hours ago?
20. Would you like your friends to do this too?
If they’re interested..
21. Then ask 5 of your friends to do this test.
- JiaHui (DO IT AGAIN, MY DEAR!)
- Wei Rong
- Qian Ning
- Jen
- YOU

**********

In random..

#1. 4 more days to go, and im done with my first course of tablets! Another month to go!!

#2. Freaking hate the side effects.

#3. Something is wrong with my phone. Friends receives my sms weeks or days later i sent it out. Tsk tsk

#4. I wanna shop lah.

#5. D___ really make me feel like im a slut.

#6. When will the 2 freaking basket get out of my (our) life? For all i care, fall into the drain and break your legs. None of my business.

#7. I miss my Smellies.

#8. I cant wait to go ktv tonight!

#9. Im confused with the recent happenings.

#10. If you never had the intention to keep your word, then in the first place, dont bother to give it to me. Stop finding excuses for yourself and blame whoever is involved.

#11. I love Ah Ying, for tolerating my nonsense.

#12. Papa is going to give me a curfew, so i can stop going out at night. But that doesnt mean i cant go out till late right? Blah~

#13. I feel like making some goodies for my classmates to munch. LOL.

#14. Can i have a new phone, please?

#15. Insecure moments.

Gotta buzz off lunch then cell group.

Past few days was madness. My itchy bitchy mood swings got many annoyed. Well well i dont mean it alright? I cant help it too. How i wish i can stop taking those ugly pills. -sigh-

I still couldnt get over it even after my session with Jessie. I thought i would be fine since i had my fair share of crying and anger with God and myself. Yet i was so wrong. WTH. The words and scenes just had to run through my thoughts every now and then. How horrible. And each time when i had flashbacks of what happened, the pain and tears did not get any lesser. It just increased each time with more pain and tears. No, i dont wanna explain any further what happened. I cant survived to repeat it.  Yes, its that bad.

Perhaps i should learn how not to live by your heart. I cant stand any longer alone. But im not ready to fall to the bottom of the pit. I cant imagine the pain to walk through. Neither do i want to go through it.

Despite everthing, im thankful for all the random people who bothers to call or sms me, asking how am i. Of course, also to my classmates who brought yummylicious food/snacks to lesson. Tsk tsk how not to gain weight man. Ohh.. and friends, who asked me out in the middle of the night! haha.
But Darius, you can stop your calls at 5 - 6am. i dont wanna let you hear my sleepy voice! lols.

Yesterday was Jia Cai and Shu Ping’s wedding! Many many well wishes and congrats. Saw so many long lost people at the wedding. heehee. Love them to bits. Yupp yupp, i took chance of the occassion and doll myself up. heh. I lovelove my blue tube, blue cardigian, blue clutch bag, black mini and white heels! Okay, i feel a tad bit of bitchy, in that mini skirt. lols. Ohh.. no more blue eye shadow for me! Grrr~

Suppose to be feeling happy about little things and stuffs. Yet everything and everywhere reminds me of you. Oh boy.

Was on a roller coaster ride for the past weekend. The ride up was so short yet the plunging down effect was so huge. And it never went up again, only to travel deep down down down. I was alone on the ride, while people took charge of the riding process. Even poohie left me alone.

For a moment, i hate God. Because He allowed everything to happen and made me cried so badly. When all i did was merely to protect and wanting to care for people around me. Yet things just go so so wrong. I never expect anyone to thank me neither did i expect anyone to feel that they owed it to me. NEVER. I only thought some day, you might understand. I did everything because i really care. In return, i was called stupid gurl. Yeah, how good. Im must be the stupidest gurl ever man. People, laugh all you want. Take it as i asked for it all. Noone to blame except me.

Though we managed to come a conclusion.. but only you know what’s deep down in you. 

Nope, i wasnt angry. In fact i was never angry. Just really upset.

Im already lost for words to say in defence. I only hope you’re fine. You will, if you understands.

Just let my swollen eyes do the talking. 

Little random things that you might not know.. Or you thought you know them all.

#1 : Your hyperdreamer arent feeling good.

#2 : I loathe the side effects from my current tablets.

#3 : Im having some serious violent mood swings. *points finger at Meliane*

#4 : Im tired, physically, mentally and emotionally.

#5 : I hate the current weather. Make me feel so sick..

#6 : I never cry for the sake of crying. I cry because im really hurt and upset.

#7 : I really want to protect you with all my limited means. Whoever you may be.

#8 : I crave for blueberry cheesecake, caramel frap with cream.

#9 : I miss late night slacking with random people.

#10 : I miss day dreaming..

#11 : I miss meet ups with my darlings.

#12 : I so wanna SING!

#13 : I miss my long hours of sleep.

#14 : I miss talking to you.

#15 : I miss hugs.

#16 : I miss dolling up for special people/occasion.

#17 : I miss talking my heart out.

#18 : I wish to glaze into your loving eyes for the whole night.

#19 : Im still here. I never and i wont walk away.

#20 : I’ve always been a good gurl.

#21 : I lovelovelove little children.

#22 : I love God so do i love you you and you.

#23 : I wanna shop!

#24 : I cant really lie. When i do, i’ve my reasons.

#25 : Im really that navie because i choose to believe fairytales exists.

#26 : I miss my cow and other random people, badly.

#27 : The thought of you makes my anger hatred upset (whatever), vanish into thin air.

#28 : I really appreciate all my loving friends who showered me with their TLC.

#29 : I hate my appointments. But i still went for it.

#30 : The last thing i ever want is you, getting into any trouble.

**********

Im sorry, i had to unapprove your comment. Call me selfish or anything on your mind. I mean well. I know there’s nothing i can do to stop you or make you feel any better. My sincere apologies. Really. You’re angry not because whoever told me about it, but you hate the thought of me (anyone) to keep things from you. I never did anything to influence anyone’s decision. In fact, i dont have that much capability or charm either. I merely spoke up for you, because i thought its so unfair for you. Only nuts will know why things had to turn out to be like that. I only yearn for your understanding. You can give your understanding to any tom dick or harry but not me. Treat it as i’ve an affair with anyone you assume.

Just how am i suppose to explain?